| I am my skin. Scraped and burned. Scabbed, I am, wounded, I am. I scratch at myself and wonder what beauty ought to lie beneath the peeling wounds that cover my cracked and blistered skin. The lightest breeze, a tiny breath, sends shards of glass digging into my mind and tears spilling down the scabs of my cheeks. I am maimed by the gentlest touch and tortured by the lightest caress. I realized today that while I can never truly make myself another person, I do not have to be comfortable with the person I am. I wish I were no so tragically me. I wish I were not so tragically stagnant, unable to escape this sensitive shell that might as well be a carcass for all the happiness I reap from it. I am being extremely indulgent but it seems that every time I reach a place of contentment, something reaches down, rips my chest open and withdraws my confidence, withdraws my self-satisfaction and leaves me only husks of my former glory. A glory to boast but one shortlived and sadly, depressingly fictitious... Almost illusory, as though it were dreamed and I only thought I was happy. I prefer that dream, that illusion, delusion, to this absense of self-want, self-need for preservation. I have abandoned myself. And as a result myself has abandoned me. And here we sit, myself and I, abandoned and resentful, both too stubborn to admit the desire for or necessity of the other's company. Maybe one day I'll choke it down and extend my hand in frienship to myself. Until that day, however, I shall sit with my back turned to the only love that will allow me to truly love others, the love of myself. |
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| I'm torn....
Ripped asunder. Pulled apart by the tidal forces of the Earth and the Universe. Did you ever think that maybe all of this doesn't matter? I mean of course we all have. But sometimes there are just certain realizations that hit us all that make us truly think that perhaps all that we do all the connections we share and all that we don't just don't matter.
One such realization is that ever single particle in our bodies, all of our bodies, came originally from some star somewhere in the universe, millions of years ago. The blood in your veins and the lashes of your eyes are all composed of "star stuff" and this stellar substance is our composition and the composition of the Earth. And this astronomical material is all that we are and all that we will become. "Ashes to ashes, dust to dust" in quite the literal sense. None of that figurative bullshit.
This realization along with many others comforts me in the bitter watches of the night when the darkness screams for my surrender to unpleasent thoughts. I hope everything will be ok...but even if it isn't always...that's ok too. |
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| College rocks. I have a complicated love life... I have to juggle two
people that I care deeply for. It gives me headaches and heartaches. In
the end it'll turn out alright. I hope. Anyway... college parties can
be fun but generally Berkeley isnt well known for its party scene.
However I will soon be getting a fake ID and then the bar/club hopping
will begin. And then it will be fun. I miss my life but am enjoying my
new one. I love all my friends. And I miss my family. But It looks like
Im going to realy enjoy colege life.
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| Reading is such a wonderful escape...so easy to lose oneself...
AND THAT IS NOT WHAT HANDS ARE FOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!......*mutter* (you of all people should know that Sam...  )
Squibbleposter |
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| I don't want that deprivation thing to be my last post....it's dirty |
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